Tales of a City Girl

The 11 people you meet in every office

So, while I’m in between jobs (honestly, I am in between contracts, that isn’t just code for unemployed), I’ve started missing being in the office. There’s only so much delight you can get in watching TV programmes your partner hates you watching, and organising your wardrobe you can do, before you need the cash and camaraderie of the office environment. Which led me to think about the different characters you meet while there. Do you recognise any of these?

1.The One Who Gets Away With Stuff

Turning up half an hour late every day? More smoke breaks than a chimney? Always to be found in the kitchen very slowly adding milk to their coffee and reading the Health and Safety notices rather than returning to their desk? The most annoying thing about them though is that when they do work, they provide the kind of high quality ideas you desk-bound monkeys have probably been working on for weeks.

2.The Professional Bullshitter

This person seems to have risen to an extremely high level sewn together by nothing more than bluster and bravado. Unlike The One Who Gets Away With Stuff, they’re also just not that good. They’re the ones who are always near the end of the chain for signing things off, and whose pay cheques are inevitably three times yours. You’ve got to admire their pluck though.

3.The Office Crush

The one everyone has a soft spot for, these handsome little buggers are the ones you get nervous when you share a lift with them, or inexplicably giddy when they compliment your work. You’re not alone though. Have a couple of glasses of wine with your colleagues and everyone will admit to their charms. Which leads me on to…

4. The Inexplicable Office Crush

The one you have a weird crush on for reasons unknown. Maybe they helped you out with a work-related problem one day, or you admired how they argued their point in a meeting. The reasons for your crush are foggy even to you. Don’t try to work out what their mysterious draw is, you’ll ruin it.

5.The Well-Dressed Girl

Sometimes you go into work feeling quite good about your outfit, until they waft in wearing a perfect white shirt and leather skirt, which somehow makes them look buff and not like a waitress/sex worker. Don’t even try to emulate their style, it won’t work.

6.The One Who Doesn’t Take Breaks

Their skin tone is that of a vampire’s, but don’t hold it against them – it’s only because they haven’t seen natural light since that week’s holiday they took five years ago. They will always bring lunch in, because who wants to waste time going to Pret when you could fit in another 15 minutes of work?

7.The One Who’s Always In Meetings

Similar to The One Who Doesn’t Take Breaks, this poor sod’s calendar is full of meetings from 8am – 6.30pm. They always look as if they need a double-shot of coffee and a cuddle.

8. The Fountain Of All Knowledge

Have they bugged the CEO’s office, and the men and women’s toilets? That is the only reason you can think of for the fact they know everything. Also, their memory is that of an elephant’s. Everything from the new office move, to who snogged who at the Christmas party three years ago is stored in their heads. Unbelievable.

9. The One Who’s Always At Work Drinks

If there is work drinks, they are there. They are the last to go, and probably the ones who buy a round of shots for everyone, even though you’ve all already said you don’t want to do tequila on a Tuesday.

10. The Well-Functioning Couple

They’ve met at work and live together but seem to not want to punch each other. In fact, on the contrary, they are very sweet and an annoyingly good fit. You’ll see them holding hands as they come in from their morning commute (probably on his and her’s bicycles), or chatting in the corridor in between meetings.

11. The Best Ones (Aka. Your Mates)

Left the best to last. These people are what make office relations worthwhile. There as a shoulder to cry on when work frustrations get hard, or as your right-hand man at the Christmas do. Hold onto these gems as best you can.