Five problems with festive drinking
Aside from the obvious morbid stuff like liver disease, heart problems and the ability to think I can move like Jagger.
1. It’s a money drain
Last night I was in a bar where gin and tonics were a tenner a pop. Ten British pounds. I might as well buy myself a bottle for that price. I wouldn’t spend that on a lot of things. But, for some reason, get into a bar, get the drinks a-flowing, and my financial resolve mean naff all. Before I know it, I’d got out my credit card ‘for emergencies’ and put £30 for three gin and tonics on it, but it’s finnneeee, gin is an emergency, it’s CHRISTMAS *laughs wildly, sobs silently*
2. I think I’m both witty and wise
You may not want my advice but that does not matter. I like to drop in the odd gem such as ‘well, you don’t want to shit where you eat’ (talking about an office romance) or ‘you can’t get back together just for the children, you should want to too’ (talking to my Uber driver about his estranged partner). I’m the Dalai Lama of relationships. Come to me my friends.
3. Make up disasters
My carefully applied liquid eyeliner and neatly touched up lipstick in the office toilets are replaced by a wild mural on my eyelids and lipstick that looks like I crushed a strawberry into my face once I go to smooth on a fresh layer in the bar loos. An unsteady hand does not a well made up face make.
4. Damage to your health
I don’t just mean the clear downsides to December being a binge drinking month. I was doing so well with quitting smoking until the offer of a lovely Vogue was presented to me last night. They’re barely a cigarette, though right – they’re the width of a lollipop stick. Still. Bad. Also, Macdonalds is not a worthy meal and I’m fooling no-one by getting it with Diet Coke (you know, to keep down the calorie intake)
Oh the humanity. So many photographs. The worst are the work party ones where there’s a photographer just poking around the party furtively ready to snap a pic of me mid-conversation with my mouth open. Why do they always end up on a slideshow at an all-staff meeting?
- Image attribution: Vasilis, Flickr